Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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