one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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