Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
