Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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