I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
