so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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