woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
