he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
