I just threw up on my dentist
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
