As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
