So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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