Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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