I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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