i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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