Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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