Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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