a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
