I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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