I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
