EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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