How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
