I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
