i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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