Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
