All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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