I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
