Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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