I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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