There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
