When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
