he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
