I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
