ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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