i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
