i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
