I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
