Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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