Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
