Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
