6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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