forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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