Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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