Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
