dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
