Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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