Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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