Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
