I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
