Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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