Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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