I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
