I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
