is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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