I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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