me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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