We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
