sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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