my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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