just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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