Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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