Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize