We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't deserve a penis
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
