Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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