We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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