I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
is that a dick in a sweater?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
