I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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