He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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